.com Road rage. Air rage. Cell phone rage. And, yes, even Starbucks rage. "We live in angry times," says Hot Buttons author Sybil Evans, and she should know. As one of America's leading experts on conflict resolution, Evans has worked with everyone from corporations the size of ATT to the United States Tennis Association to couples on the brink of divorce. So what's the source of our growing hostility? Hot buttons. "A hot button," Evans writes, "is an emotional trigger." Your hot buttons get pushed when people call you names, don't respond to you, take what belongs to you, challenge your competence, don't respect you, give you unsolicited advice, don't appreciate you, are condescending... and the list goes on. In Hot Buttons: How to Resolve Conflict and Cool Everyone Down, Evans and coauthor Sherry Suib Cohen claim that by recognizing what pushes your hot buttons--and by learning how not to push the hot buttons of others--conflicts can be avoided. Even more important is the ability to turn them off once they have been pushed. The book begins with a five-step formula for doing this: "watch the play," "confirm," "get more information," "assert your own interests and needs," and "find common ground for a solution." Once the authors have explained how to achieve each step, they cover just about every conceivable conflict under the sun and how to employ the five steps in each case. Added to the mix are a number of self-quizzes for identifying what sets you off and dozens of catchy quotes, termed "Hot-Button Hints," such as "When anger rises, think of the consequences" (Confucius). One of the book's more interesting chapters deals with how hot buttons can be hazardous to your health. Other chapters include discussions of hot buttons and intimacy, the family, children, friendship, and the workplace. Evans's expertise is apparent throughout, though she does get repetitive, particularly when driving home her points with what seems like an endless supply of personal anecdotes from those she's worked with over the years. Still, among all the examples, readers will find fresh, creative ideas for quelling rages large and small. --Patrick Jennings "If we all took Sybil Evans's advice, the world would be a much better place." -- Liz SmithAbout the AuthorSybil Evans is a nationally recognized specialist in conflict resolution and diversity issues. As president of the consulting firm Sybil Evans Associates, Evans is a widely sought after trainer and speaker, enriching the relationship skills of individuals and Fortune 500 companies, including Campbell's Soup, Avon, Lucent Technologies, and ATT. The author of Resolving Conflict in a Diverse Workplace, she lives with her husband in New York.Sherry Suib Cohen is the author of eighteen books, a contributing editor to McCall's, and an award-winning member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors. She lives with her husband in New York City. what classifies as a book Hot Buttons: How To Resolve Conflict and Cool Everyone Down
3 of 4 people found the following review helpful. From Rage-Driven Conflict to Fruitful, Pleasant CooperationBy Donald MitchellRelationships with people we know and those we do not are becoming harder and harder to manage, as the pace and pressures of daily life increase. More and more often, something happens that enrages the people involved. This rage may come from a taxi driver, another driver, someone sitting next to you in a movie, a person standing in line, or a member of your family (blood relative or in-law). Often, you don't expect the rage. Suddenly, Vesuvius goes off (either in you, or in the other person). What do you do now? Where do you go from there?In other situations, someone does something that causes you extreme annoyance, causing you to blow up. What should you do next? How can you avoid that happening routinely?'This book is not meant to solve the cosmic problems, but it can teach you how to turn off the triggers to boiling points.' I found this book to be a very useful set of tactical tools for dealing with yourself and others to supplement the excellent concepts of self-improvement in Relationship Rescue. If you liked that book, you will like this one also.'If someone misunderstands, insults, ignores, or irritates us, we feel hot surges of anger in varying degrees.' 'When someone pushes one of your hot buttons, it makes you a little crazy . . . You explode.' 'There's explosive anger and contemptuous anger, revengeful anger and embarrassed anger, repressed anger and expressed anger -- and they all look different.'Where do hot buttons come from? 'Hot buttons are born from our earliest experiences in dealing with conflict.'What's the answer? 'Attitude is a choice.'Here's how the book is organized:Chapter 1 -- What's a Hot Button?Chapter 2 -- Hot Buttons Everywhere!Chapter 3 -- How Buttons: Hazardous to Your Health!Chapter 4 -- What Pushes Your Buttons?Chapter 5 -- Hot Buttons and IntimacyChapter 6 -- Hot Buttons and the FamilyChapter 7 -- Hot Buttons and ChildrenChapter 8 -- Hot Buttons and FriendshipChapter 9 -- Hot Buttons and the WorkplaceChapter 10 -- The Magic of Your MindResourcesMany of the chapters contain quizzes to help you self-assess your tendencies. Almost all of the chapters contain case histories of conflicts that often arise, and use a five-step process to resolve these conflicts. Some of the chapters contain information about annoying public situations and suggest scripts and actions to handle them firmly and politely. Chapter 10 gives you ideas for expanding your ability to choose your reaction, such as various types of meditation, thought switching, breathing exercises, taking physical action, changing your activity or focus, and keeping a journal to study your reactions. The Resources section points you to other books that can help.The book's core concept is to develop cooperative collaborations that generate win-win solutions that everyone wants to implement. These are built from a five-step process:(1) Watch what's going on like you are part of an audience to a play so you experince 'detachment and objectivity.' This helps calm you down.(2) Confirm the validity of the other person's point of view to them in order to help calm them down and positively engage their attention.(3) After the other person's anger is sufficiently diffused, ask questions neutrally and respectfully to get more information.(4) Assert your own interests and needs in terms of the other person's perspective and story. The other person now listens to you because you first listened to them.(5) Find common ground for a solution. Brainstorm possible solutions, then deal with both of your issues to find the optimum ways to build a win-win direction that works well.You can use many of the negotiation books to get ideas for how to enhance step five, such as Getting to Yes and Beyond Winning.I liked many things about this book. First, it is multidimensional. You get ideas for lots of different kinds of situations and relationships. I could not think of very many circumstances that were not addressed somewhere in the book. Second, the advice is solid. Third, the many case histories help you get a feeling for how to use the master process recommended here. Fourth, you also find out how anger hurts your health, and these harmful patterns are formed. That knowledge will give you an incentive to change that you will need. Fifth, the book has a humane tone and orientation to it. Sixth, the self-assessment helps you internalize which lessons are most important for you to focus on.I am reluctant to quibble with the book at all, but I could not resist one. The scripts often end up with a bit more of a zinger than is needed to get the other person's attention or to solve the problem. You can handle the described situation with more consideration, understanding, and respect. If you do, things will work out even better for you. Most of the time, the person is not intending to annoy you. If you act nicely towards them, they will act nicer towards you in reciprocation because you did so and because you gave them the benefit of the doubt in acting as if they are really a thoughtful, considerate person.After you read the book, my suggestion is that you write down the hot buttons that cause you to lose it. Then go to the people who normally bear the brunt of this (such as your spouse and family), apologize, and explain what is going on. Tell them you want to change, and ask for their help. Suggest better ways for them to handle you, and ask for suggestions about how you can annoy them less. The improvement in your emotional environment should be palpable. Have a wonderful time after that!Live long and prosper in the absence of hot buttons!!7 of 7 people found the following review helpful. IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS THROUGH EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATIONBy Arthur L. TerrHOT BUTTONS is a pracrical guide for transforming the impact of negative emotional overload into positive behavioral and cognitive forces. The application of the techniques described in this book may be applied to a great number of situations regardless of wheather they occur in industry, within the family, at school or in traffic. The authors provide the reader/practioner with a variety of emotionally overloaded situation for analysis and techiques for resolving them. The techniques described are consistent with many theories about human behavior. The authors, Evans and Cohen,appear to base their approach to resolving conflict by "translating...words in a fresher way that gives the dialogue a new direction." To acquire this goal requires each to engage in the PROCESS OF LISTENING and respond in such a way as to convey that each has actually attempted to understand the other. I reccommend this volume to both the individual and the organization interested in improving productivity and personal balance through improving communication in human relationships.0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. An appropriate book for our times.By Betti TrappSybil Evans does a good job with some very real and very frustrating situations. Her task of helping us deal with Anger is a large one, and after reading this book, I give her a thumbs up. The Anger Management techniques are good, and a lot of the book is about learning to recognize our own "hot buttons" or "pet peeves" as I call them. I think Ms. Evans should have thrown in a few more helpful tips, I felt the book did come up a little short, but it is a good book and well intentioned. I think the phrase I will remember most from this self help book is "when anger rises, think of the consequences." (Confucious). That has just got to be the most difficult, but most helpful advice I have ever heard! Thank you Sybil Evans for some good pointers and some self awareness you gave me. This book is not a problem solver. I think the theme is "alternatives, not answers." Self help junkies around the world should find it useful.