From Publishers WeeklyTannen (You Just Don't Understand; That's Not What I Meant; etc.) continues to study human interaction through conversation, this time attempting to peel back the layers of meaning that make up conversations between mothers and their teenage and older daughters. While Tannen intends to clarify the ways in which mothers and daughters relate to each other verbally (through direct conversation; indirect messages, or "metamessages"; compliments or insults disguised as judgment; etc.), her own message is muddled by an overabundance of anecdotes and examples and too much stating the obvious. In chapters such as "My Mother, My Hair: Caring and Criticizing" and "Best Friends, Worst Enemies: A Walk on the Dark Side," Tannen seeks to examine every angle of various discussions and makes obvious comments, like "Where the daughter sees criticism, the mother sees caring.... Most of the time, both are right." She then expands on her comment with lengthy and often unnecessary explanations. While Tannen is astute in her observation that "Our relationships with our mothers go on way beyond their lifetimes, no matter what age we are when we lose them," she fails to clear up the mysteries between mothers and daughters. Copyright Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.From BooklistTalk is essential to women's relationships, best-selling (You Just Don't Understand, 1990) linguistics professor Tannen maintains. This book responding to readers' feedback about the mother-daughter chapter in her I Only Say This Because I Love You (2001) argues that satisfying conversations between mothers and grown daughters can be the ultimate healing agents, a kind of Holy Grail for women. Or not. "Words are like touch. They can caress or they can scratch." The illuminating extracts from mother-daughter colloquies that she cites bring to life both the soothing ointment and the ripped-open scars possible in interchanges on issues indicated by the chapter titles "Involvement or Invasion," "Great Expectations," "Incompatible Style Differences," and "Difference Equals Distance," as well as age-old sources of conflict for this extraordinarily intense kind of relationship. Whitney ScottCopyright American Library Association. All rights reserved "The 'metamessages'--implications behind the spoken words--she decodes in You're Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation are so familiar, it hurts when you laugh." --Cathleen Medwick, O MagazineDeborah Tannen's groundbreaking book You Just Don't Understand improved male-female relationships about, oh, 100 percent. Now she's poised to do the same for moms and daughters in You're Wearing THAT? Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation. Listen, and get ready to make peace! --Kimberly Tranell, Glamour"The illuminating extracts from mother-daughter colloquies that she cites bring to life both the soothing ointment and the ripped-open scars possible in interchanges on ... age-old sources of conflict for this extraordinarily intense kind of relationship." --Whitney Scott Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesn't just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." The San Francisco ChronicleFrom the Hardcover edition. which is the best book to read You're Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful. Somewhat disappointing probably not as specific as the title suggestBy Rosemarie SI'm kind of grateful that Deborah Tannen makes it clear up front that her research group was mostly middle-class Americans as I found this book to be a somewhat disappointing and stereotypical series of descriptions of families that seem to have codependence and boundary issues. There are many descriptions of mother-daughter interactions where they seem to be jockeying for position and dominance and control; behaviours that in other works she describes as tendencies of men.Perhaps these are cultural differences, I'm British she is American so there are bound to be differences and bafflements. For example, Tannen writes that "report-talk" is not a conversational style for women yet I hear women using this conversational style most days, I use it myself. I hear men responding to this gambit in the way she reports women as responding to it.That said, I am an admirer of Tannen's writings recognise that she is writing from her research experience while I am considering her words as a woman from a different culture who has had different experiences interactions. This book, while disappointing in some ways, is still a great way to gain insight into how others struggle to communicate clearly how difficult it can be to arrive at reasonable interpretations of what was actually intended versus what what was heard. There is almost always an emotional aspect to communication we all have filters that can be a barrier to speaking or listening well. I'll be giving my mother my daughter copies of this book, it will be fascinating to hear their views on it.Some related books that might be of interest are:A lot of what is written here seems to reflect Tannen's thoughts in her book The Argument Culture: Stopping America's War of Words for a different perspective on the subject of gender, Cordelia Fine's book Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference to improve negotiation skills perhaps What We Say Matters: Practicing Nonviolent Communication or Getting More: How You Can Negotiate to Succeed in Work and Life0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. ... haven't quite finished the book but I think it's wonderful. My friend recommended it to meBy AVI'll admit I haven't quite finished the book but I think it's wonderful. My friend recommended it to me, as she said it was the most helpful book she and her mother read during family therapy and as a counselor-in-training I was intrigued. However, I tend to be very critical of anything that essentializes gendered behavior so I wasn't sure I'd like this book (as it does do that a fair amount). Still, I think it is a wonderful book and it has made me think about my relationship with my mother in new ways. I feel like we have a wonderful relationship already but there is always room for improvement and better understanding of each other. It also made me realize how lucky I am to have the relationship I do with my parents. If I hadn't ordered it on kindle I would give it to my mother to read next so we could talk about it! As it is, maybe I'll tell her about it and read what I think is relevant to her so we can discuss it more. It also (for the most part) made me feel comforted reading it, as I live far from my family, I got to think about my parents and makes me happy.1 of 1 people found the following review helpful. A good read!By Ruby MillerA good read!!! Very relatable stories. This book has a story for any mother or daughter who wants to understand the dynamics of the very complex relationship that develops and exists between mother/daughter.