From Publishers WeeklyBrown, a founding member of the acclaimed Harvard Negotiation Project, brings his negotiating skills to the parenting arena. A parent of four himself, he realized that parents can apply the same negotiating skills used at work to their home life. Brown first explains the difference in negotiating styles, which can be summarized as "hard bargaining" and "accommodating." Put simply, the former want to lay down the rules while the latter may be too willing to give in to their children's demands. The key to using negotiation tactics successfully as a parent is to "balance coercion with persuasion." Toward that end, Brown advises parents to focus on the problem, not the child. He says, "Rather than turn on your children, turn to the issue.... One way to focus on the problem rather than on your child is to regard yourself as an observer of the dispute." Other useful tenets include working on solutions together, creating options rather than narrow choices and making rules rather than threats. Brown offers advice on related parenting issues such as discipline and listening; his suggestions on engaging kids in longer conversations without seeming to interrogate them are sound. Many hypothetical conversations-both productive and not-so productive ones-are included to illustrate the author's points. This is a first-rate advice book that parents with children of any age will find helpful. Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. "Brilliant... Practical... Essential tools for todays parents." -- Sal SevereAbout the AuthorScott Brown launched the Harvard Negotiation Project and the nonprofit Conflict Management Group, which advises governments and nongovermental organizations on public conflicts worldwide. where can i download bestseller ebooks for free How to Negotiate with Kids . . . Even When You Think You Shouldn't: Seven Essential Skills to End Conflict and Bring More Joy into Your Family
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. The alternative to Machiavellian parentingBy J. SelmeciThis is by far the best parenting book Ive read (and Ive read more than Im willing to admit here). It can be applied immediately and it has immediate results. I admit that I was skeptical, but my kid responds exceptionally well to the approaches it recommends. (Examples to follow). So what if they get some of what they want? Isnt it a better lesson to know that you can get a little if you give a little than it is to blindly follow what others tell you (even if they are your parents)? This book helps reconcile a parents need for respect and authority with our lingering sense of faking it. Talk it out with your kid, explain why you think something should be a certain way (in the process, if here are errors in your logic they will become apparent to you and you and thats a good thing because it will make you less likely to pursue bad rules just for the sake of it). Show your kid that you know whats best rather than telling them. At the same time, they are people too so, respect them also. This must be the hardest part for some to accept but authority for authoritys sake is really a losing battle. This book has certainly erased any lingering doubts Ive had about that. Your kid wants to go to bed at 10, you want them in bed by 8. Is 8:30 really so absolutely unacceptable?On that note, I have to note here that the title is unfortunate; its really not about negotiating so much as respecting your kids enough to come to an agreement and a compromise about how things are going to be done. Why should you have to compromise with your kid? Well, you dont, the book argues, but if you have it your way all the time be aware thats going to be temporary and likely incompatible with a strong, trusting, relationship with your kid.Here are couple of critical take-aways (from the perspective of the parent of a 2-year-old), in no particular order:(1) Its going to take just as long and take just as much energy to fight as it will to come to an agreement. This was perhaps the most important one to me. Your kid doesnt want to do what you need them to do. You can force them to do it, but this takes enormous energy (often including brute force, such as to get a toddler into their car seat) and they will cry and you will feel awful and its going to be a whole big thing. Alternative: okay, you can sit in the driver seat and pretend-drive for 5 minutes, then you have to get into your seat. The miraculous thing is that they do! (Or at least my kid does). I sit there and go along with the pretend play for 5 minutes and we have a good time (although, I admit Im eyeing the clock because were running late) and then she gets a one-minute warning and when times up, she goes to her seat. We discussed that she would and she does. It totally works!(2) Dont be a bully. You can force your kids to do things while they are small, but what the heck are you going to do when they are 16 and stronger than you? The recommended alternative: build a relationship now.(3) Recognize patterns and plan ahead. Youre going to encounter the same issue over and over and over again. Know this ahead of time. Know, for example, an hour before bedtime, that youre going to have a fight on your hands in an hour. Get teed up; set the stage for a good way to start the bedtime routine.(4) Be explicit. Say it, say it out loud, that the rule is X. You might think your kids know the rule, but they may not. Besides which, saying it helps reinforce it. Its mid-day. The rule is you dont drink chocolate milk mid-day. When do you get chocolate milk? Thats right, when its bedtime. (Note here the 3 drops of chocolate syrup that goes into her night-time milk, which seems to be enough to do the trick).(5) Give a little. Just do it. Your kid is not going to walk all over you for the rest of your life and treat you horribly and youre not going to be the neighborhoods laughing stock. Machiavellianism is not a good approach to parenting.A final note: the thing that this book does most beautifully (and that I found sorely lacking or utterly disingenuous in other parenting guides) is that it is guilt-trip free. It is really okay, according to this, if you dont get it right every time. Youll get it next time. Dont sweat it. This book fully recognizes that there are days when you are too tired to go seven rounds with your toddler and thats okay. Youll talk about it tomorrow. In fact, the books offers specific recommendations for how to table a discussion. You dont have to feel awful about being a human being hows that for an approach to parenting?0 of 0 people found the following review helpful. One of the best parenting books out thereBy chuyimRaising children makes parents better persons. One of the many things parents can do is to listen, learn, and change with their children through negotiation. Brown's book is an easy read and provide simple principles and practical examples for parents to set the negotiation table for coaching and guidance. The chapters are progressive so one can practice in sequence or pick and choose the chapters that are most relevant. I found myself going back from time to time to revisit some parts of it. Really good handbook!2 of 2 people found the following review helpful. Negotiate with kids...By J HammerI think this puts it right to the point about how to negotiate with kids. You can't do B if you don't do A was the whole point of the book. The examples were good examples because it teaches kids that they can't do something if something else isn't done first.